We managed to get to our appointment, but once there, I struggled to even sit up and act pleasant. After our appointment I said to my companion, I can't do this...can we please find somewhere for me to take a nap? I felt a little guilty for stopping the work, but I realized that I definitely couldn't work in this condition. I guess it reminds me of how on planes you can't put the air mask on someone else until you put it on yourself. I was in no condition at that point to put a "spiritual air mask" on someone else.
We ended up finding a kind member that let us stop by her house. While I was attempting to nap, I still just felt so very overwhelmed. I thought of all of my inadequacies and all the things I have to do. I thought of all the work ahead of me. I thought of the missionary and person that I want to be, and thought of the missionary that I am currently. I was discouraged that they didn't quite match up like I had hoped.
I knew that these discouraging thoughts weren't coming from my Heavenly Father. I asked to see myself as He sees me, and to focus on the good. I was reminded of something I read years ago that states, "God doesn't want us to feel discouraged. Only Satan will make you feel that way. Heavenly Father will make you feel hope for a positive change". I realized how much I need the Savior. I needed help. I physically, mentally and spiritually could not do it alone.
A miracle happened. Some may say it was a coincidence, but I know it was the Lord orchestrating things. The Elders from the next town over just "happened" to be down the street from us, teaching an investigator at the church. They called us and asked if I needed a blessing. It was a direct answer to my prayers! That was EXACTLY what I needed!
My blessing was very beautiful. The most comforting words were that my Heavenly Father loves me and is proud of me. I knew at that moment that I needed to stop feeling like somehow I needed to "earn" His love. I had lost sight, but luckily was reminded that He loves ALL of His children no matter what. I may have many weaknesses, but that doesn't make me weak; it makes me human. I realized how in a way, it's a blessing to have weaknesses for it helps me rely more on my Savior. If I were already perfect, I wouldn't need the Savior. I'm grateful that I DO have weaknesses, so that I can come to know my Savior more personally. These weaknesses are blessings in disguise, meant to help me draw closer to the Lord and to rely on Him to help make them into strengths.
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).
I was told in my blessing that I need to not worry about things. No matter what happens in life, I need to focus on the Atonement; for in the end, that's the only thing that really matters.
Instead of feeling frustrated with myself for my weaknesses, I came to feel a quiet gratitude in my heart that I'm not done growing. For, if I already knew the answers, I wouldn't need the lessons. I'm grateful for the lessons I continue to learn every day, and that I know I will keep learning til the day I die.
After the blessing, I felt renewed hope and strength to face the day! I'm not going to let anything get me down! I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be trying and relying on the Savior.
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